Pause Pipi (Pee Break)

Recently, I stopped off at the Louvre. (Let me interrupt here just to note how nice it is to start a story with “Recently, I stopped off at the Louvre.”) It’s usually best to visit a restroom upon arriving at such places, especially if, like me, you tend to get lost despite a familiarity with the building, the plan for which is gripped tightly in your hand.

Close to the museum entrance, there was a newish boutique called “Pause WC” (Toilet Break) its shelves stacked with designer toilet paper, a wine with “pissoir” in its name, and a selection of appropriately themed books. The boutique was attended by uniformed men and women both friendly and professional.

A sign at the cash register discreetly showed the pee break prices: 1Euro for a special toilet, 1.5Euro for the “spa japonais.” I don’t know what was special about the first because I was distracted by the promise of the Japanese one. I paid the fee. For the price it had to be good. A very kind attendant asked me to wait patiently because someone was using the remote control. I waited.

Behind a curtain and a door, I was given a lesson in using the toilet. First, you have to sit down, but don’t worry; each one is cleaned with 99% bacteria killing antibacterial cleanser after each use. You must sit, because the spa only works when it detects weight.

“To use the remote control, aim there at the side of the bowl. This button is for a stream of water, these are for massage and this one is activates the dryer. I suggest you try all the buttons.” I learned that such toilets are "smart" ones in that they remember a person by their weight and will automatically adminster that person's preferred massage sequence. I of course waited until the instruction giving attendants had exited and quietly closed the door.

First surprise, a warm seat. For this, I was unprepared. I tried the buttons. The first sent a perfectly aimed stream of water. I marveled at its accuracy. The second emitted a steady ps-ps-ps-ps, also accurately aimed. The third was a variant of the second, pssssss-psssss- pssssssss. I cannot say if it was an entirely pleasant experience, yet it was indeed memorable. I finished with a very powerful air dry.

Upon exiting, I returned the remote control to the cash register attendant, and announced, “That was the best pipi break I ever had.”